Are you numbing?

Something I have recently realized is that I am a recovering binge drinker (I think that’s a form of alcoholism). Those close to me may not be surprised, because over the past 20 years of my life, I’d drink to oblivion - to black out and while I didn’t need alcohol every day (quite the opposite), I indeed had an unhealthy relationship with it.

Ok, so that’s a pretty big deal to say out loud, officially. I am breathing through it and have a lot of space for my continued growth. The good news is, once I left my corporate job, I was able to think clearly and the path to sober curious (nod to Chelsea Holden) took hold almost immediately. I had cleared a major trigger.

I now know how to have a relationship with alcohol - it took me the past year to figure out and I’m still learning as evidence by the fact that I drank 8+ beers last night after a long day of painting a room. That is what excess looks like current day, but something very different is here - I didn’t feel triggered and I didn’t black out. It was over several hours (I hear myself justifying) and I truly enjoy a nice cold beer after doing physical labor, also while watching Ted Lasso. It was a cool spring evening and I sailed blissfully into a slightly buzzed sleep. Many will say this is a slippery slope but for me it’s a game changer - I know how to control it now. A year ago, those 8 beers would have turned into staying up until 4 am drinking 2 bottles of wine (after the beers) by myself, and likely disrupting my husband’s sleep and peace leading to more shame which confirmed the self sabotage of never being good enough. Basking in the glory of my fuckup and being able to lean into years of being told I’m not good enough. I practice progress, not perfection, I give myself space and grace to grow.

Pity party? Nope. Facts.

For the past 20 years, I was binge drinking once or twice a week to numb every part of me that felt trauma - in large part due to 20 years of hiding myself behind the cloak of patriarchy entwined with corporate America. Being in corporate made it easy to hide in plain sight as often, I was expected to attend happy hours and networking events that always involved alcohol so I was able to fully lean into excessive drinking to feel like I fit in - to rub elbows with “important” people.

I would quickly reach for alcohol the moment I began to feel my feelings, I would say “I had a bad work week”, “I feel triggered by something someone in my family said”, “I’m feeling too much” - so I numbed.

When we identify parts of ourselves that are filled with shame, discomfort, it’s easy to reach for a numbing device. It’s hard as hell to feel into the shame, into the discomfort. In my experience, I wasn’t able to do that until I cleared out the corporate job that was making me ill, that was making me wear my mask almost 24/7.

So, now, a year later (knowing that I was numbing) and also 6 months (tomorrow) having exited my final corporate nightmare, I can share that I’m a recovering binge drinker/alcoholic. I don’t feel there is a finite way to look at this, some may say that since I still drink socially that I’m not recovering, please give me space to approach my healing in my own time. What I do know is that life is worth living, and feeling - you just need to review what is keeping you from that feeling and give yourself permission to feel shitty for a minute, only you can show up for yourself and make the change.