When you’re not your best self.

For the past couple of days, I haven’t been my powerhouse self - this is allowed and I’m feeling compassion toward the parts within me that have been calling for support. ]

What triggered me caught me somewhat by surprise, I know with every ounce of my being that I am finally on the right track, professionally and personally… at least in my conscious mind. I was asked on Thursday night in what I perceived to be a safe space, “so do you like have a job actually making money now?” This struck a cord - the cord that has been strumming since I was a teenager, that if I wasn’t making substantial money, then what good was I?

So, how all of this went down in real time, this was said by a man that I’ve met 3-5 times, that I do not know well, and was said in front of others whom I did not know. It felt very visceral, that he was trying to have a chuckle at my expense. I replied with, “excuse me?” - easily making it known that I was irked by this. He back peddled a bit and said, “oh I just mean that the last time I saw you, you had just left your job” - I released anger in that moment and gave grace replying “yes, I own my own business and am a certified life coach”. He then went on to make jokes about life coaches, so I removed myself from the conversation.

Oof. This hit differently and in a previous post, I had written about how I was a recovering binge drinker. While still true, this interaction put me into a tailspin and I drank my face off on Thursday night to numb, to cope with the threat to my big insecurity. Yesterday, I was completely off the grid with a massive hangover which fed into the insecurities felt from the man’s comments. I did not have compassion for myself, I was thinking all day that he was right, what on earth I was doing, etc. indulging in so many thoughts that were low vibration and absolutely unserving to me.

As the day went on, I began to wrap myself in an emotional and mental hug. This journey is progress, not perfection, and it’s beautifully perfect for me.

I went to yoga this morning and asked my body for forgiveness and grace as I continue to navigate this monumental change in my life. I am thankful for this man and his comments, as now I know where to find this trigger and how to treat her - it’s not with numbing, in the future I will give her space and grace to feel everything, remind her she is safe, and continually work to release the tension and insecurity behind value/worth as it relates to titles/money, etc.

As it relates to success, I’m the most successful I’ve ever been in my life. That’s truth and I give myself permission to have bad days and to feel insecure, but with new tools to be able to get to the other side without old coping devices, or at least I will next time.

Amy, you are amazing, I love you, and you are doing the very best that you can.